| Peg Kay \\ 4/04/2004 |

***********

BOOK 21
Copyright 2003


Dear Sara (Daddy's Planned Good-bye)


I need your help sunshine
help me say good-bye
I don't know who to go to
and all I want to do is cry


Help me write a letter
to show my daughter my love
I want to say I'm proud of her
and all she's made of


Tell her I smile
when I think about her
Tell her my greatest achievement
was creating the beauty of her


Help me tell her
all I need to say
so she knows I loved her
when I face my final day


Help me convey to her
how I know she'll stay strong
tell her that in my life
she was the only thing I didn't do wrong


Please can you help me
I know this is hard for you
but sunshine you're the only one
I trust enough to go to


Sunshine help me write the letters
that will be my final good-bye
help me say the words so clear
that they can feel me even after I die


It's okay sunshine
wipe the tears from your eye
feel the embrace I'm giving you now
remember it after my good-bye


I know this is hard sunshine
but please will you help me
I need you to be strong
for your big daddy


Can you help me tell her
she is a wonderful mommy
Tell her nothing ever felt better
than the first time I held little Jimmy


Help me speak the words
to comfort her when I'm gone
Help me find the strength
to tell her it's okay to go on


Please tell her we'll be waiting
her mother, brothers, and I
tell her we'll take care of her
as we sit together in heavenly sky


Make it clear as words can be
she needs to hang onto all she has here
hug her husband and babies tight
that will calm any of her fear


Help me finish a letter
that tears me up to write
help me leave one last thing to her
the hope of living light


It's okay sunshine
I need you to be strong for me
I need you to hold on tight
and don't ever let go of me


There's one more thing sunshine
that I need you to do
I need you to look me in the eye
I need a promise from you


I'm sorry for all this weight
that I'm expecting you to carry
but I love you like my own daughter
you're the only one who can help me


Sunshine when the words aren't enough
when she needs more than my words on paper
promise me you'll be right by her side
telling her how much I loved her


Dear Sara.....







Daddy Don't Go


My heart can't grasp the fact
I'm going to lose you too
you've become like a daddy to me
and it's something I want to hang onto
I don't want to think of the pain
any plans that don't involve you
I don't want to prepare myself
for the day we will lose you
My stubborn heart wont accept this
maybe I'm just being naive
but the reality you'll fade away
isn't what my heart wants to believe
I want to do what's best for you
through all the tears that cloud my eye
but my heart doesn't want to face the truth
I don't want to plan our final good-bye





Heaven Wont Let Me Get To You


Three weeks alone
no words from you
your voice doesn't sound
no call to answer to


I turn over in bed
expect a kiss from you
but the empty air reminds me
there's no lips to fall into


I leave the bed a mess
just to hear you complain
but not a word from your mouth
another stab of pain


I brush my teeth
leave the cap on the counter
waiting to hear your irritation
but again it doesn't matter


I skip breakfast and lunch
just to see if you care
I wait for you to bring me dinner
an empty plate reminds me you're not there


I turn on the television
channel surf all night
it used to drive you mad
but you're not here to fight


I stare out the door
maybe you're working until eight
I prepare my worried speech
though I know it's too late


I spend the whole night
doing anything to get to you
but I know you're not coming back
heaven wont let me get to you




Can't Get Away From The Pain


There's too much pain
I don't know who to grieve for
the agony is endless
I don't want to hurt anymore


There's too much loss
it surrounds my everyday
the emptiness is lonely
can someone take it away


There's too many endless nights
laying in painful misery
the hours are too dark
with only the visions of memory


There's too many tears
soaking through my skin
there's not enough strength
to fight the pain I'm in





I Can't Stop The Rain


Pain is coming down
it splashes on my skin
I try to cover my head
find a warm place to go in


It's coming down hard
visibility is low
washing away the life
that I used to know


It crashes on my face
mixing with the salt in my tears
the pain keeps pouring down
creating a flood of fears


I'm doubled over
I cry out in pain
I can find shelter
but I can't stop the rain





Need You Now


I need you now
tell me what to do
I hurt so bad
and there's no one to go to


I need you now
your words of wise
my head hurts so bad
trying to hold back my cries


I need you now
your arms around me
my body hurts
there's no one to comfort me


I need you now
your hand in my hand
my heart hurts so bad
and I don't understand






Please Hear My First Prayer


I don't believe in god
I've never been one to pray
but if you're really there
I need you to hear me today


I have a friend
she needs you now
I need you to listen
can you help somehow


She's lost too much
she needs him here
please have mercy
don't cause her more tear


If you make him an angel
she'll be left all alone
it'll be the last piece
of the only family she's known


If there's a holy spirit
I'm on my battered knees
I've never prayed before
but now I'm begging please


Save him for her
don't take him away
it hurts to see her crying
please hear my first prayer today





Tears From Heaven


Tears are falling
they splash against me
falling from the sky
falling in his memory


Tears are flying
they sway in the air
dripping on my skin
reminding me he's there


Tears are flowing
rolling like a stream
running down my face
telling me to dream


Tears are rushing
like a tidal wave
pushing tides against me
telling me to be brave




Too Weak To Swim


The rain falls down
it drowns my heart
I try to swim
but my will falls apart


It pours in my soul
no time for me to think
no lifeguard to save me
my soul starts to slowly sink


The mist clouds my mind
steam from the heat rise
water begins to overflow
streaming out of my eyes


The rain trickles down
traces burn my skin
there's no dock in the harbor
my heart is weak and gives in




Words For My Heart


Hands holding me tight
huddling me near
telling my heart
don't give into your fear


Arms wrapped around me
keeping my soul warm
telling my heart
brave this cold storm


Eyes looking at mine
staring into security
telling my heart
to be all I want to be


Fingers clutching mine
strength passes to me
telling my heart
to fight through this misery


Tear Soaked Phone Line


Your tears soak my phone line
my words of comfort just don't do
My heart wants to jump in the phone
wrap my heartstrings around you


I hear your confused words sound
there's no answers to put into air
I want to heal you with my word
wash away the pain with my care


Your broken heart screams in agony
hurt has hit its threshold
My hand wants to mend your heart
bring it in from the pained cold


I feel your tortured soul
my soul has been there too
I wish my heart could of prevented
the same thing from happening to you





It's Going To Be Okay Hayley


I lay your head on my shoulder
wrap my arms around you
Whisper in your ear it will be okay
we are going to get you through


Your cries muffle in my embrace
tears soak my silk shirt
I sing to you it'll be okay
we'll get you past this hurt


Your hands clutch in agony
your strength pierces my skin
with determination I say it'll be okay
we're going to heal this pain you're in


Your words are incoherent
the pain crashes through
I tearfully cry it'll be okay
I'm not going to leave you





I'm Sorry Wont Do


I know this pain
the road is tough
I want to say I'm sorry
but I know it's not enough


I've seen this heartbreak
I've felt it before
I want to heal this wound
but I know it wont heal your heart core


I've shouted the cries
I know the pain of burnt eye
I want to dry up the tears
but I know I can't so I wont try


I've suffered the loss
I know the pain is severe
I know I'm sorry doesn't help
just know my heart is here




You Wont Lose Me


I can't take the pain away
I can't make it stop
but I'll be here ready to catch you
when your strength is ready to drop


I can't change what's done
I can't erase the painful memory
but I have a strong shoulder
I'll be here to let you cry on me


I can't heal your wounds
that power is not in my hand
but when your heart is tired
I will help your worn body stand


I can't find peace for you
that is only in your heart
but I'll be here with friendship's glue
when you feel like you're falling apart





Angel Baby In Heaven


Angel baby
skin so fair
are you peaceful
up there


Angel baby
heart so young
do you fall asleep
to angel songs sung


Angel baby
one day old
are there guiding wings
for you to hold


Angel baby
taken so soon
are you cradled
in the curve of the moon





The God They Speak Of


I'm angry
flaming mad
little confused
painfully sad


I look around
death is all I see
my only known love
has been stolen from me


Pain has boiled up
with nowhere to go
tell me why did you take them
please, I want to know


I don't pray each day
callouses don't fill my knee
is that the reason why
you inflict this pain on me


I'm torn up
pained beyond compare
angels are in high supply
why did you need them there


I'm broken
only pain to say
please tell me why
you took them all away



Magnificent Glow



My feet are tired
my heart is bound
strength no longer holds me up
my body drops to the ground



Looking up to the sky
frost hanging from my nose
straining from my hurt
I'm drawn to how the moon glows



Hanging over us all
glowing on our pain
light is supposed to mean hope
yet falling is freezing rain



Stuck to the ice beneath me
I don't have the strength to go
the moon captures my eye
how can we hurt under magnificent glow





A Winter's Night



Icicles hanging from trees
shining in the streetlight
too bad my aching heart
can't appreciate this night



Snow glistening on the road
snow angels leave their trace
so sad my eyes don't see beauty
as snowflakes drift on my face



A soft winter mist roams in air
patterns drop from the sky
heartbreaking to see
only pain through my eye



Ice lay beneath my feet
glistening off the moonlight
painful as my heart
loses the beauty of a winter's night





Cold Of Midnight



The night is cold
the air is weak
there's no view
of the peace I seek



The ground is frozen
skin touches frost bite
there's no warm ending
to this awful night



Tears roll out of my eye
icicles on my cheek
strength is frozen in time
I'm a frozen tundra of weak



My breath forms a cloud
from the cries I can no longer fight
inside lay a cold, tortured heart
trying to find answers in the cold of midnight




Eating Away Peace



A pain lay inside
it gnaws away at me
no matter the road taken
I can't release it from memory



I dwell on the past
go over all that's said
times and places roam
mangling thoughts in my head



Distractions are no deterrents
I go back to where I was before
I don't know how to stop it
but I don't want to feel it anymore



Memories are eating me alive
digesting the peace I used to know
why can't I move on
why can't I just let go



Jason Lee Montrose (Baby Angel)
(01-22-03)


You were born an angel
wings were already in place
heaven couldn't resist
your sweet and angelic face


Look down from above
provide light along our way
help mommy and daddy cope
with the pain that will fill their day


You were loved so deeply
mama's touch told you so
love for you filled their heart
that's why it's so hard letting go


Baby angel hold them close
shelter them with your wing so tight
surround them in your spirit
shine on them your heavenly light





Hollow Arms


I hold you in my arms
I feel your lifeless breath
My heart doesn't understand
how to explain your young death


Please know if I had answer
I would give it to you
but my heart is just as confused
and I don't know what to do


I look down on your baby face
it seems so cruel to me
how can heaven be so selfish
taking you away from your mommy


Tears fall on your soft skin
there's nothing I can do
If I had the power to heal
I would breathe life into you




Hayley's Lost World


I see the pain in your face
my heart breaks for you
I wish I could wipe away the hurt
provide a safe harbor for you to go to


I see your heart split in two
I try to catch the falling piece
I wish I could mend your heart
give your soul some lasting peace


I see your soul shatter
your only hope lay around you
I wish I had hope to spare
so I could give it all to you


I see your world come crashing down
and I know there's nothing I can say or do
I wish I could replace your lost world
because that's what my heart wants to do





I'm Talking To You Now (Hayley's Baby)


I can't control my tears
they wash me away
heaven has confused me
why did you take him away


You wanted me on my knees
now you have me there
tell me why you took him
my heart doesn't think it's fair


You wanted me to pray
so I clasp my shaking hand
answer my first prayer
help me understand


You wanted me to talk to you
now I'm crying at your mercy
tell me why, why, why
did you take him from Hayley





My Pledge To You My Friend



I'm going to face my deepest fear
stand up to the pain in the past
forget the hurt that has laid its trail
allow the love I feel inside to last



With tears in my throat
fear that could tear me apart
I'm going to let my feelings
flow from my terrified heart



My scared heart has a problem
it's something I tried to fight through
but feelings of friendship were strong
there was nothing this guarded heart could do



Now I stand here fear in hand
with spoken words of true
This protective heart of mine
has grown to care about you



It's time to let the past go
let the pain leave from my skin
Trust the risk I'm going to take
and let your friendship walk on in





It's Time Now



Now it's time
to say good-bye
let the past be
dry my eye



Now it's time
to let the pain go
live the life
I've come to know



Now it's time
to find peace in memory
treasure what you left
and what's still here for me



Now it's time
to face what's true
wipe the tear from my eye
and let go of you




Killing Me So Softly



Your name falls off my tongue
emptiness seeps through my vein
Your picture fills my grieving eye
the focus magnifies my pain



Your words fill my head
the tone stabs my skin
Your wisdom looms in my air
brewing the agony of loss within



Your writing consumes my eye
your strokes sever my heart string
Your passion jumps off the paper
leaving me victim to grief's sting



Your love swarms my world
tossing me in a funnel cloud of misery
Your memory tangles my time
killing me so softly




So Differently



Standing here all alone
wishing I could of known
all that was to be
I would of done things so differently



Standing here by your stone
wishing I could of known
all that came with death
I would of treasured every breath



Standing here by the phone
wishing I could of known
I'd never hear your voice respond to mine
I would of kept you on the line



Standing here in a blank zone
wishing I could of known
you were going to be taken from me
I would of done things so differently



Love After Death



Love is forever
they say it never dies
then why do I feel empty
with pain imbedded in my eyes



Love is strong
they say heaven is no brick wall
then why do I feel abandoned
ready for my fall



Love is everlasting
they say it never fades away
then why do I feel lost
with no hopes of finding my way



Love is alive
they say death has no say
then why do I feel dead
without you in my day




Pain Never Fades



Memories float
like clouds in the sky
the comfort of them swarms
but time forces you to leave them behind



Words hang on air
like the sun on high
warm feelings surrounds
but time pushes them down



Thoughts are hung
like a star in the night
light peers through a dream
but time dims the hopes high



Pain lingers in surround sound
like the wrapping of the sky
no matter how dark it gets
it's always seen in a heart's eye



Heaven Cries Too


Leaves fall
sway to the ground
Spirits rise
heaven bound



Rain pours
mist in air
Souls tower
angels fair



Snow piles
snowflake bliss
Widowed hearts
sadly miss



Black clouds hover
dark sky
Tears in heaven
drop their cry





Hanging Onto Your Poem (05-21-02)



You said I had talent
wanted me to write my thought
told me to go after my dream
telling me it wanted to be caught



You poured confidence in me
said you knew I could do it
you hammered encouraging words
whenever I wanted to quit



Then came tragic night
you were ripped away from me
writing came to a stop
I sank into grieving misery



My words didn't mean a thing
without your belief in me
writing provided no spark
leaving a burnt out fire in me



As I sit in front of your stone
staring at the words in loving memory
a voice echoed in my head
your words played over to me



You have talent
your voice seemed so clear
Don't give up
find your strength here



Write your pain
speak of your love for me
let your words heal
the emptiness in my memory



I sat down with my pain
wrote a poem for you
perfected it line by line
wrapped myself in memories of you



Now I read through it daily
my words were heaven sent
my dream was finally captured
it now lay in black print



Your soul has been lifted
but my words of you are my home
I'm hanging onto you
and your memory in a poem





If I Had Only Known JJM



Twenty days
since the last I love you
I can see you in the window
your blue eyes peering through



I didn't know it was the last time
I'd hear your words of true
If I had only known
I wouldn't of left you



Twenty days
since our last body clutch
I can still feel your warmth
the love in your touch



I didn't know it was the last time
I'd ever feel you next to me
If I had only known
I wouldn't let you stop holding me



Twenty days
since our last kiss
I can still feel the tingles
that threw me into giddy bliss



I didn't know it was the last time
we would kiss at the door
If I had only known
I would of held onto it a few moments more



Twenty days
since I seen you eye to eye
I can see your blue eyes gleaming
as you said your hesitant good-bye



I didn't know it was the last time
I'd see you in living day
If I had only known
I wouldn't of driven away





Home In The Heavens (Peace Or Pain)



Does a tear fall
when you see me cry
Does your heart ache
as you watch me slowly die



Do your arms feel empty
without me to hold
Without my love near
does your heart feel cold



Does your soul feel incomplete
without my soul there
Do you hold memories
of all the love we did share



Are you lonely in heaven
do you hold my memory
or does peace in heaven mean
there's no thought of me





Take Me Tonight Sam



Can you hear me calling at night
my loud and lonely cry
Can you see the pain in me
oh where are you in heavenly sky



Don't you hear my pleading
my weak words in the night
Don't you hear the torturous screams
oh where are you in heavenly light



Do you see the damage on my face
misery fills my big brown eye
Do you see the want in me
to just curl up and die



Can't you hear my bargain
my spoken deal brought to light
I will let heaven smile on me
if you just take my soul with you tonight




Do You Feel What I Do



Do you look down on me
see the pain I'm in
Do you see my soft complexion
and crave the touch of my skin



Do you look down on me
miss the love we had
Do you see my life without you
and sit with your angel wings sad



Do you look down on me
wish you could wipe away my tears cried
Do you see my lonely life
and wish you were by my side



Do you look down on me
see my tears flooding my heart
Do you watch me day by day
wishing we weren't heaven and earth apart




No Reason To Any Rhyme



The days seems rigid
no reason to any rhyme
The hours pass grudgingly
there's no logic in time



Steps feel like miles
no ground is being gained
Seems pain carries over
leaving the coming days stained



The rules seem unfair
guidelines seemed tied in knot
trapping the growing pain
that desperately wants to be forgot



Life seems pointless
with reasons too hard to figure out
The mind has too many misconceptions
to know what life is really about




Since Your Forced Good-Bye



Skies seem darker
clouds are now black
Flowers are wilting
the sun falls back



Leaves fall dead
crunching under toe
Life is drained
trees hang low



The moon is dim
the glow gone amiss
no soft glare
no summers kiss



Stars are burnt out
no light in the sky
This is my world
since your forced good-bye





Can't Start A Fire Without A Spark



The fire burned
when I was with you
flames sky high
heat rushing through



You ignited the flame
with your heated spark
the fire provided the glow
to my life led in the dark



Losing you to death
poured water on the flame
the fire held on for a time
denial being the blame



Without your spark
and a heart full of doubt
the last glow of flame goes dim
my fire has burnt out





Lone Misery



The room is empty
along with my heart
the absent shadows
are tearing me apart



The night is cold
along with my skin
the air filled touch
magnifies the pain I'm in



The air is silent
along with my word
a voice gone quiet
drowning a love once heard



The clock strikes dead
along with the life in me
one life taken away
another left in lone misery






I Can't Write Without You



I could spit out a rhyme
in a minute or two
now days bring one poem
I can't write without you



I'd sputter metaphors
pointless pronouns were few
now my words are mundane
I can't write without you



I could structure my words
cryptic messages would pursue
now words or plain and simple
I can't write without you



I'd throw out creative pizzazz
let imagination follow through
now there's no inspiration
I can't write without you





6:34



Hour by hour
time closes in
Memories will explode
tears will flood my skin



Minutes leading up
are tortured agony
Waiting for time
to parade death's memory



My eyes focus in
distractions have no success
Emotions storm within
my soul is a tattered mess



My heart feels the pain
I wont feel your touch anymore
My eyes fill with tears
the clock strikes six thirty four





No Use In Dreaming



It's lonely here
in this double bed
the only company
echoes of your voice in my head



It's tearful here
without you on the left side
there's no hand to wipe away
all my tears cried



It's chilly here
no shelter from the cold
there's no warmth felt
without your body to hold



It's torture here
night hours are misery
no use in dreaming
without you laying next to me





Too Soon To End



Songs are out of tune
movies are stuck on rewind
my heart is off balance
no wanting to leave you behind



The sun is chilly
rain is dry
my heart is refusing
to say it's final good-bye



Words are in slow motion
touches are made of stone
my heart huddles in my soul
scared to be alone



Pictures are blank
memories don't exist
my heart dwells on
all our love missed






Can You See Me



Are you sitting on a cloud
looking down on me
do you see my tears
drowning my heart in misery



Are you hanging from a star
sprinkling stardust over my head
do you hear my lonely cries
and all the painful words said



Are you perched on the moon
directing it's glow on my skin
do you see my cold veins
drained from the pain I'm in



Are you dangling off sun ray
forcing heat to leave its trace
do you see my cold pain
grieving loss splattered on my face







Pretend There Is A Heaven



My head has images
I wish they were true
so I could find peace
in the loss of you
In my heart
I know it can't be
you're really gone
there's no comfort for me
Souls don't fly
there's no place to go
remains lay in the ground
spirits don't show
Reality hits hard
there's no comfort in death
I pretend there is a heaven
to guide you from your last breath





Why Get Up?



No use in getting out of bed
I wont see a smile on you
Forget about any plans
no place I want to go without you



No use in moving about
who cares about the laundry
Motivation has no meaning
without your contagious energy



No use in eating
I have extra weight to give
who cares about health
without you I don't want to live



No use in loving someone
they'll just leave you high and dry
Feelings don't hold merit
knowing your love huddles in the sky





One More Hour With You



Just one more hour
to hold your hand
one more interlocking
of our wedding band



Just one more hour
to kiss your soft lip
one more passionate moment
falling into your heated grip



Just one more hour
to be held in your embrace
one more gentle caress
one more smile on your face



Just one more hour
to say I love you
one more chance
to spend an hour with you







Page In History



I know what they say
may be right
but I wont go down
without a fight
no, I wont lose
your love tonight



I know that odds
are against me
but I can't give in
to past history
no, I wont let you become
my memory



I know they say
it wont last forever
but I wont be swept away
in stormy weather
no, I wont walk away
if we're not together



I know they say
it could never be
but I wont let their doubts control
the love in me
no, I wont let your love become
a page in my history




Time Stands Still Without You


Days are long
there's only time to fill
There's no healing hands
there's no magic pill


I watch the clock tick
the hours seem like days
Nothing stops the hurt
nothing clears the pained haze


The afternoon is empty
you can hear the breaking of my heart
There's no replacement waiting
there's no one filling in for your part


The night goes on forever
time seems to stand in one place
nothing is there for comfort
nothing to wipe away death's trace

::: posted by p at 1:33 PM



Even Though



Even though my heart is empty
without you standing here
though my heart needs to talk
and I'm without your listening ear



Even though my days are long
without a smile from you
and though my nights are longer
without you to snuggle to



Even though my soul is shattered
without your breath in my air
though I walk around broken
and the piece I need is not there



Even though my life has lost meaning
now that we're heaven and earth apart
though I struggle through my day
your love still provides the beat to my heart






Make The Pain Disappear



The aching is too much
I want to rip out my breathing heart
watch it as it falls to pieces
knowing we'll forever be apart



The emptiness is torture
I want to shred my soul
watch it as it disintegrates
knowing it will never again feel whole



The queasy feeling is unbearable
I want to tear out the guts of my stomach
watch as they shrivel and die
knowing without you I'll always be sick



The thoughts in my mind are horrid
I want to squash every last brain cell
watch as they lay mangled and bleeding
knowing life without you is my living hell




I Thought We Had Time



I held you one night
I thought it would last forever
but now I crawl into night
and we're not together



I kissed you one morning
I thought our lips would never part
but now as I wake up each day
there's no kiss for my heart



I embraced you on a rainy afternoon
I thought our arms melted in place
but as I sit in the climax of the sun
tears roll down my empty face



I made love to you from dusk til dawn
I thought time was on our side
but now as I lay awake through endless hour
there's only time for all my tears cried





Life Without You ( J's Memory)



I wake up to new day
from the outside it seems the same
but if you reach deep inside
my soul is crying out your name



I walk through the nonsense
listen to all the false sympathy
watch as they walk away
forgetting all about me



I sit alone at night
listening to the ringing phone
but they don't really want to listen
so I'd rather feel miserable alone



I lay my head on my pillow
another day lived without you
life seems to keep going
even when I don't want it to



Dark Life


The room is dark
so is my thought
there's no reward
for how hard I fought


I thought there was reason
for the road I've been on
but now I see life is up in the air
the only hope I had is gone


The time passes by
lonely air surrounds me
normally pain would double me over
but there's no care left in me


The room carries my lone shadow
one candle lit in his memory
Sitting alone in this dark life
there's no reason left for me




Keep Your Fire Lit


There's a fire in your soul
you have to choose to ignite
Don't let the pain overcome you
let your flames provide our light


There's a fire in your soul
it started with your first rhyme
Don't let the world take it from you
don't let it fade with passing time


There's a fire in your soul
if you love me let it spark
My heavenly heart couldn't take
looking down on you in the dark


There's a fire in your soul
I'm telling you this with love
Don't let the rain wash it out
I want to see your flame burning from above



Shrug ... Just Time


Time is passing
pain simmers on high
reality boils over
as truth comes to eye


Time is empty
no energy to move
no inspiration
but nothing to prove


Time is dull
no place to go
pain reminds me
I've lost all the love I know


Time is ticking
wasting away
but I don't care
time is just another day



Your Diamond's Sparkle


Staring into the diamond
seeing the sparkling shine
remembering the way you crept
into this heart of mine


Kind words of my beauty
always thought it was bull
then I seen the way you looked at me
the love in your eyes was full


Sweet nothings in my ear
whispers of all we could be
holding my hand in my fear
pushing strength back into me


Making a fool out of yourself
just to make this face smile
taking the burdened weight
so I could travel easier mile


Building up my courage
with a few words of belief
letting my tears soak your shoulder
when I was drowning in my grief


Staring into the diamond
I see all you've given to me
not the carats in this finger
but the treasures I have of your memory







It Just Hurts Too Bad


it hurts too bad
to just let go
all my life
all i know


it cuts too deep
to say good-bye
all the pain
all that was in his eye


it kills me so
to face empty air
all alone
all that was there


it hurts too bad
to speak past tense
all that is lost
all that don't make sense




Mind Tease


Sitting on the park bench
replaying previous day
Remembering the comfort
before you were taken away


Birds singing their song
kids rushing by
I sit alone
catching the tears I cry


The pond glimmers in the sun
innocent voices surround
My heart tries to breathe
as it lay beating on the ground


The trees sway in the breeze
a whistle forms in the air
My mind tricks itself
thinking your sitting there


Just like the first time
we sat hand in hand
I can feel your fingers twitching
playing with my wedding band


My head resting on your shoulder
your other hand caressing my face
I remember the peace I felt
when I laid in your embrace


Your lips push over to my cheek
a soft press on my skin
I look into your deep blue eye
I can feel the love I was in


I close my love filled eyes
savoring all I'm wrapped in
I open them to see empty air
feeling nothing but tear chapped skin


For a moment I felt you
and our time that had once been
It makes me feel even more lonely
once more losing the love I was in


I sit alone on the park bench
no comfort but the sky above
My heart hurting even more
my mind teased me with your love




Not Enough To Live With



A letter in my hand
the closest I'll get
to your wedding band



Words eloquent and true
my heart wishing so much
I could actually hear them from you



Special gifts to give
in hopes there'll be peace
as we try and live



Memories fill the mind
not enough to leave
all the pain of loss behind





No Comfort Worth A Damn



Words are empty
care is useless
There's no cleanup
of this hearts mess



Comfort is zero
nothing to say or do
There's no cure
for the pain of losing you



Consoling is there
doesn't help much
Hugs are nice
but it's still not your touch



Meaning is useless
there's no meant to be
All I know
is you're not here with me










Helpless



Is there anything
my heart can do
to ease the pain inside



Is there anything
my heart can do
to not sink in my tears cried



Is there anything
my heart can do
to stop the agony



Is there anything
my heart can do
to live with just your memory





Escape



Traveled to Georgia
trying to fill peace within
but the miles didn't change
the excruciating pain I'm in



The distance grew colder
it was the last place to go
A last chance to run away from
the pain I've come to know



City after city
I watched from above
Clouds carried my thoughts
of our undying love



Miles piled up
peaceful thoughts were few
there is no escape
from the pain of losing you




Stairway To Heaven (A Window Seat View)




I look out my window seat
the clouds roll on by
I keep my dazed stare on them
hoping I'll see your soulful eye



I feel the sky surround me
I want to reach out and touch it's air
I hear they ride clouds in heaven
maybe I can find you there



I see the light glowing
everything seems so clear
I want to stand under the light beam
maybe I could feel your soul near



I see the stairway to heaven
from my window view
I want to leave my place in this world
climb the steps to get to you





Real World



Nothing is forever
nothing stays true
Life is hypocrisy
as we are too



Nothing is sacred
treasure is only a word
Even with twenty twenty vision
life's reasons are blurred



Nothing is splendid
there is no meant to be
Fate is just a dream
and we daydream constantly




Nothing is spiritual
we make it up for our own comfort
God is just a name in a book
and the holy bible wont heal life's hurt





Stolen Time (I Miss You)



I miss you
you're all I think about
I have to let it out



I miss you
all you were to me
my heart is in misery



I miss you
all we had as one
now our time is done



I miss you
standing here with me
in a life that will never be





Last Breath In Georgia Air




One last time before I go
one last chance to see you there
One hope brewing inside
that I'll fall into your stare



One last try before I leave
one last minute for you to appear
One burning need
to have you wipe away my tear



One last step before I turn the other way
one last look at your tombstone
One desperate and tearful woman
afraid of living alone



One last moment before I depart
one last breath in Georgia air
One grieving and lonely heart
Wishing your soul wasn't there






I'm Lost



I'm lost
standing in lonely air
I can't find my way
without him there



I'm lost
I can't write a word
no inspiration flows
without his voice heard



I'm lost
thoughts are few
my mind goes numb
without his arms to run to



I'm lost
no direction to see
life has no meaning
without him here with me






He'll Never See My Word



I force my words onto paper
the ink falls but makes no sense
I push every syllable
grief is my only defense



It all made perfect sense
when he was here
but now my words are weak
and cluttered with too many tear



The words would flow like magic
his touch the only inspiration
Magic has disappeared
into my devastation



Nothing has meaning anymore
no more feelings to share
My rhyming lines suffer
without them falling into his stare






Sigh.... Whatever



Nights are empty
days are long
voices are redundant
"we know your strong"



Words are voiceless
visions are naked to the eye
comfort is false
"it was his time to die"



Double bed is lonely
one side is bare
religious nonsense
"god needed him up there"



Life is cold
there's no sign of sun
sputtered nonsense
"everything happens for a reason"







Peace In Georgia



Breathing in the air of Georgia
bathing in all you were
hitting like a ton of bricks
I see a glimpse of the pain I'll endure



Stepping on Georgia soil
trying hard to hang on
My heart has buried itself in denial
your soul isn't really gone



Looking up to Georgia sky
looking for answers to drop
Nothing falls on my skin but pain
and I'm begging for it to stop



Crying in Georgia air
grief overwhelming me
There's no peaceful air
Georgia holds nothing but your memory






Daddy Teddy Bear



Warm outstretched arms
ready to lend an embrace
A soft comforting chest
to bury my frightened face



Huge arms surround me
it's easy to let tears drain
Love wraps around me
trying to squeeze away the pain



I don't have to act anymore
I can release how much I hurt
Huddling around me like a shield
my tears soak his denim shirt



I put my heart in his embrace
I know it is safe there
I can let my soul pour out
in the arms of my daddy teddy bear







I'm Going To Do It My Way



To my precious friends
I say good-bye
I'm deeply sorry
I couldn't stop my cry



To my loving family
there was nothing you could do
I had too much pain inside
and I chose to hide it from you



To my three special guys
there's more love than I can explain
Please don't think you weren't enough
my weak heart just couldn't handle the pain



To the heavens above
I've watched four friends say farewell
If this is the work of your hands
I'd rather go to hell







Anger's Shadow



I'm angry, I'm mad
why did you leave
who do you think you are
leaving me here to grieve



I'm steaming hot
ready to explode
your selfish soul
left me with no hand to hold



I'm distraught
doubling over
my tears float in air
without your shoulder



I'm helpless
my pain has no place to go
I'm helpless to my cries
so I stand in anger's shadow







Needing To Place Blame



I want to scream
curse
punch a hole in the wall



I want to yell
blame
cause the culprit to fall



I want to hit
attack
force bodily harm



I want to punish
demolish
whatever took him from my arm





Barely Breathing



I was barely breathing
he made me want to live
He picked up my missing pieces
gave me all a heart could give



I was ready to give in
give up on life's fight
he walked into my dark days
and filled them with light



I had no strength in my heart
no love pumped in there
He answered my quiet distress call
resuscitated my shallow air



I was on my last breath
he saved my living day
Now that i've recovered
why was he taken away






Hero



Coming down from the sky
you intercepted my long fall
swooped me up in your arms
answered my frightened call



You came out of nowhere
darted into my life's mess
used your strength to push it away
easing all my pain and distress



You appeared out of the clear blue
saved me from the bad guy
used your special power
to vanish my grieving cry



You showed up in the nick of time
saving me from all the evils that reside
but where's my super hero now
when my heart is dying inside




I Can't Do It This Time




I can't let out
all the pain inside
I don't even have the strength
to let myself hide



Denial is tiring
I can't play that game
I'm too worn out
to place any blame



Acting isn't my talent
I can't display brave face
There's not enough make-up
to cover the tears leaving their trace



Pretending takes effort
I don't have enough to give
I can't pretend life without him
will be worth the want to live





A Name In The Bible



Is there a limit
hasn't my quota been met
You've taken all my loves
leaving pain I can't forget



How many can you take
from one loving family
You've left them with three
three hearts in misery



How much pain can you hand out
before you let the grieving rest
Can you come up with better excuse
than it's a part of life's test



Who am I talking to
why do I even care
You're just a name in a book
you're not even there






Just Leave Me Alone (Go Away)



Just leave me alone
let this grief be
Don't expect strength
to pour out of me



Just leave me alone
for my own sake
There's no mending
this heartbreak



Just leave me alone
no I don't want to talk
The pain wont get easier
by taking any therapy walk



Just leave me alone
there's no healing words to say
there's nothing you can do
why don't you all just go away




Only Peace In Death



Time doesn't heal
it just dulls the pain
A form of denial
to lighten death's stain



It doesn't get easier
if you face what is real
No amount of hours
will change the pain you feel



It doesn't happen for a reason
there's no life test to take
There's no explanation for death
or its lasting heartbreak



It isn't part of a plan
there is life, there is death
There'll be no release from pain
until there is a last breath




In Your Love Hold



I was hit
by cupid's arrow
one touch of your hand
and my eyes would glow



I was bit
by the love bug
nothing gave me more security
than the warmth of your hug



I was showered
in love's rain
your sparkling eyes
stared away all pain



I was shackled
with your ball and chain
my heart was tied
you wont hear me complain





In Heaven With You



I was blessed
by the love of you
I can't wait
to again be with you



We'll sit on heavenly cloud
let our angel wings intertwine
stare into the sky
with your beating heart next to mine



We'll hang on the stars
staring eye to eye
letting the glow surround us
as our love fills heavenly sky



We'll walk the stairs of heaven
our spirits side by side
Only feeling love and peace
forgetting all the tears we've cried



Hand On My Shoulder



I sit alone
crying in the dark
Suffering the pain
of death's mark



A hand on my shoulder
a touch on my cheek
A strong heart beating
for another so weak



My head falls into warm chest
soaking each heartbeat with my cries
Unspoken words console
comfort only seen with the eyes



I sit embraced in the dark
a helping hand to lend
A warm body near is comforting
but it wont help my heart mend





Consoling Body Twist



Tears flowing
vulnerable hearts in a pile
pain is overwhelming
wanting to feel something else for awhile



A consoling hug
pain induced grip
cries grow louder
soft kiss on the lip



Warm bodies twist
comfort fills the skin
passion making hearts forget
all the pain they are in



With each touch
it's a feeling besides misery
but now as skin is cold
the only feeling is guilty




Heaven Took My Smiles (I'll Be Sad For Awhile)



Just leave me alone
my heart is breaking
my body aching



Don't push healing time
I'm not ready to move on
the only hope I had is now gone



So give me my time
let me drown in my tears
swarm in unknown fears



All my reason now lays in the ground
heaven took my reason to smile
so let me feel sorry for myself for awhile






My Fire Code



I know you're trying to help
but just let me be
There's too many emotions
to let the fire back in me



Moving on is like fuel
it will spark an out of control flame
and when my insides melt away
denial tactics will be to blame



Don't push the nuke button
I'm not strong enough to explode
My fire isn't ready to calmly burn
moving on is against my fire code



Let me sit in my cold corner
far away from fired blast
I'm not ready to warm my heart
letting him become just a part of my past





Jason's Last Good-Bye



Here are my thoughts of you
after the pain of death's theft
Simple words will never express all my love
but now it's all I have left



Your time here was short
but you left a lasting hand print
Now that you're with the angels
it brings new meaning to heaven sent



Inside your precious soul
lay sensitivity too great to share
You thought it went unnoticed
but we all knew it was there



Your loyal heart was always in full blaze
for a friend there was nothing you wouldn't do
When life was too hard to bear
everyone's strength came from you



I remember the night I cried for him
you caught every tear I cried
And when the pain left me cold
you warmed every cell I had inside



That was the man you were
always there when loved ones were in need
Your loving hand was always reaching out
stopping the flow of pain's bleed



No matter the pain, no matter the hurt
you were never one to walk away
When life was at its roughest
you would carry the weight of our every day



I never encountered more love
than when I was in the arms of you
I never felt as good about myself
than when I looked at myself through the eyes of you



No matter the gloomy mood a heart was in
your laugh couldn't keep away a smile
It was always your strong words of comfort
that guided us through every bumpy mile



When life seemed the darkest
you would shine on us your light
When everything seemed to go wrong
your belief made everything seem right




When I think of all I want to tell about you
the list could go on and on
but there's one thing I want people to remember
now that your loving heart is gone



I want them to remember your spirit
it's glow gave confidence to the people around you
You brought out the best in everyone
by lending a spark from the fire in you



I'll say this once more
these words don't compare to all you were
but the tears you would normally dry for me
have left my heart's feelings in a blur



You were the fire of hope in my life
the special bond for my heart
Love like this never dies
not even heaven can tear this love apart



As you look down from heaven
know you left your admired spark
I know your fire will be the light
that guides me through the painful dark



Your time here was short
little time was lived through
but your spirit will last the ages
because all of us were left with a piece of you











No Meaning On Paper



I sit here trying to write
all you meant to me
but it's too hard to face
that you are just a memory



There seems to be no point now
no reason to lift my pen
You were the inspiration in the words flowing
the ink dried with the pain I'm in



Words flood my heart and mind
it seems pointless in this grief
My thoughts have no meaning
when not showered in your belief



I know if you were here
you would give me the spark to write
but I lay alone in this bed
with only pain to hold me tonight





You Took The Blue Out Of Me



Days were gloomy
my life a pale blue
I believed there was no hope
but then I seen the heart in you



You gave me the reason
to let my pain drift away
You gave me the courage
to face my everyday



You put the smile back on my face
put my laugh back into air
Pulled the strength out of me
always reminded me it was there




You put the joy back in my heart
made pain a vague memory
You brought the sun back to my day
you took the blue out of me





If There Is A God In Heaven



Make my heart understand
why he was taken away
If there is a god in heaven
why does pain fill our day



Tell my weary mind
there's an explanation to give
If there's a god in heaven
why can't the young hearts live



Explain to my lonely soul
why good hearts have to die
If there's a god in heaven
why does he force our cry



Please tell my broken heart
why heaven needed him so bad
If there's a god in heaven
why do I hurt so bad





Make My Heart Remember



Make my heart remember
your spoken last word
Make my mind believe
it's all I ever heard



Make my heart remember
only the good of that day
Make my mind forget
the way your body lay



Make my heart remember
all you gave to me
Make my mind forget
the lifeless body I had to see



Make my heart remember
your face as we said good-bye
Make my mind forget
it was the last time I seen your sparkling eye





It Was Only A Nightmare



Say it's time to wake up
you've been sleeping for days
I wanted to let you sleep
hoping it would clear your tired haze



Say you laid by me
cuddled me in my sleep
Tell me you held me tight
when I let out my crying weep



Say you never left my side
and now it's all okay
Tell me you hope the sleep
chased my exhaustion away



Say you missed me dearly
missed my gazing stare
Kiss me on the forehead
tell me it was just a nightmare





The Tracks Of Your Memory
(01/04/03)


I don't know how I will go on
without you here by my side
You were my last bit of hope
in keeping up with life's stride


I don't know where smiles will come from
now that your jokes have fallen in air
There's nothing for my eyes to see
now that you wont be in my stare


I don't know where my strength will be
now that your words wont help me stand
I don't know if my heart can love
without the touch of your hand


I don't know if my words will flow
without your inspiration falling on my paper
There's no passion to lay my ink
without your belief in me I have nothing to offer


I don't know if I'll ever see beauty again
without your eyes to guide the way
Everything will be filled with gloom
without your presence filling my day


I don't know what will get me out of bed
now that your face wont be there waiting for me
I don't think my heart can beat and breathe
with just the tracks of your memory




The Day Of Shock And Denial
(01-05-03)


The world just isn't right
talking about you in the past tense
Hearts are trying to come to terms
with a death that doesn't make sense


It seems unimaginable to our mind
that your smile hasn't graced our day
but our hearts can feel the pain
knowing it's forever been taken away


We find ourselves in silent air
leaving time open to hear your sound
Shushing away any disturbance
in hopes a trace of you can be found


Fingers itching to pick up the phone
maybe your just hurt or have lost your way
Maybe we're walking in a nightmare
and we just haven't woken up to new day


Hoping hearts making up reason
trying to believe anything but what's true
Maybe you decided to take a day away
and we're just here waiting for you


Distraught hearts and souls
attempting the impossible to get through
Trying to bring you back with our will
so we don't have to face life without you




You'll Never Leave Our Hearts



Your love was like a river
it ran strong through our heart
The sky may have you now
but your love for us will never be apart



Your sneaky smile glowed
it lit each soul around you
The stars may have your glow now
but the light they shine will guide us through



Your warm hand laid comfort
bringing peace with your every touch
The angels may hold your hand now
but we'll find piece knowing you're in their clutch



Your laugh thundered with joy
making your sound contagious to hear
The clouds may hold your thunder now
but we'll hear it when hovering clouds near



Your compassion surrounded like a blanket
giving warmth to all who came your way
The sun may have your warmth now
but we'll feel it when we stand under sun ray



Your beautiful eyes made us feel whole
surrounding all of our hearts in love
Heaven may have you now
but we'll feel you looking down on us from above




How Am I Supposed To Live Without You



How do I get up tomorrow
knowing you wont be there
How do I shower and dress
knowing I wont be in your stare



How do I make morning coffee
when I'll sit lonely over my cup
How do I find the courage
to not let myself give up



How do I walk outside
when I'll walk alone to my car
How do I spend eight hours at work
when my inspiration rest behind heaven's star



How do I come home at night
when the only voice is my own
How do I get used to the darkness
when your light was all I've ever known



How do I lay my head down at night
when the pillow next to me is bare
How can I fall asleep to your heartbeat
when it's rhythm is not there



How do I fall asleep again
knowing there'll be another day to live through
How do I dream at night
how am I supposed to live without you














Early Saturday Morning



It's the wee hours of Saturday
and my thoughts are consumed with you
no matter the time that has passed
the day doesn't get easier to get through



I read through your thoughts tonight
I seen the traces of your tear
The moments I spent in your words
made me feel like you were here



My heart laughed a little
My soul cried allot
I remembered the good times
treasured all those I had forgot



I tried to picture you there
writing the very words I read
Trying to feel any bit closer to you
in hopes it will slow my heart's bleed



I swarmed myself in the love written
taking me back to days with you
Remembered all we had
and all our love went through



Tears fell through my smiles
so many emotions filled my heart
Every second I spent reading
made heaven and earth seem inches apart



Each page brought me closer to you
and all that our hearts combined were
I fell in love all over again
as I read the ink that fell on your paper



The words came to an end
and so did my fantasy
It's the wee hours of Saturday
and you're still not here with me




Christmas Vacation



My head is spinning
as they run past
This christmas vacation
isn't going by too fast
Christmas toys are blaring
batteries never die when you want them to
Legos scattered on the floor
making the living room a mine field to walk through
Feet are cut and bruised
from the marbles and many jack
Yell at the boys for a third time
to take the poor cat out of the grocery sack
The phone rings constantly
telemarketers wont give it a break
A smell fills throughout the house
mom you burnt the cake
The phone in one hand
a hot mit in the other
Mom he's hitting me
will you please stop taunting your brother
A knock at the door
step on four legos on the way there
Screams ring out
will you stop pulling your brother's hair
Dryer buzzer goes off
the door will have to wait
Call waiting beeps in
honey I will be late
Lemonade falls to the floor
earlier mopping went to waste
Run to get a towel
only to step in a spilled bottle of paste
Who made the mess
unison calls of it wasn't me
Slam the door in frustration
over goes the clean and folded laundry
Is christmas vacation over yet
how will I get through the next couple of day
I would let calgon sweep me away
but the kids wasted it all yesterday